When I grow up

I am thinking about how nice it will be when I am older and richer and probably fatter, and I can do whatever I want. I think I will buy a house with a gigantic yard and then one of those lawn mowers that you can ride around in and mow my grass in sweet patterns. My fridge will always house mozzarella, tomatoes, beer, and left over spaghetti.

I will, without hesitation, buy a jet and fly on a moment's notice to New York, Alaska, Spain, Nigeria, Australia, Russia, and Japan, anywhere I feel the need to go. I will learn how to fly a jet. I will dress up at least one day out of every week.

I will have a shower that has 4 heads and heated floors, and an oversized bathtub with heat lamps suspended from the ceiling above. I will attend every ballet, opera and theatrical production on and off Broadway, including highschool musicals, within a 50 mile radius. I will go to NBA and NFL games (even though I hate sports) and drink beer and eat peanuts.

I will sleep on a gigantic trampoline in my backyard. I will dance, and sing at the top of my lungs. I will feed all the neighborhood cats. I will order stuff off of QVC because I've always wanted to. I will have a few cars, including an old slug bug, a convertible of some sort, and an old, beat up, manual truck that I can practice my clutch/gear coordination on.

I will play Dance-Dance Revolution and X-Box until my thumbs get sore and the skin starts moving away from the nail-- you gamers know what I'm talking about. I will tell people exactly what I am thinking, whether they are listening or not. This means that I will uncontrollably tell people "I love you" and "fuck you, biotch" with every emotional extreme I will undoubtedly and dramatically feel.

I will buy the complete series of Bob Ross' simple paintings and recreate each and every one of them. I will feed my kids tons of Flintstones vitamins. I will adopt children from 3rd world countries and send $18 a month to Guinea or wherever and sponsor one of those children with a bulging belly and flies on the corners of his eyes.

I will eat out 3 nights of the week and tip my waiter or waitress obscene amounts of money if I liked them. I will get dressed up sometimes, and make a big deal about myself and strut around and go out and scoff at things that displease me.

I will sing karaoke and have every drink ‘on the rocks’ while wearing every piece of jewelry I own, all the while giving younger men "looks." I'll have shrubs lining the driveway of my home that are carved like famous sculptures, the David, Venus DeMilo, Mt. Rushmore, the Sphinx, etc. In my free time, I will write 3 novels and 1 memoir and at every book signing write, “With my deepest love!”

Ooooh, I will so go see the pyramids and visit tombs and find treasures and hopefully Indiana Jones as well. I'll have a gigantic dog. I will speak many languages. I will probably put on my bathing suit when it rains or snows and run out in the weather like a moron, like I used to when I was little.

I could really go on forever and ever, but to sum it up, I will large carpet castle scratching posts for all the neighborhood cats to climb on, so that they have a home, and in the mean time, I will simply finish college.